Inner Work

Dear Larger part of myself;

I know that you are me and I am you.  I don’t want to refer to you as my higher self anymore, because that makes me feel that you are separate from me, and connotes that I am only small, only a physical body, which I know is not true.  I now want to refer to you as the larger part of myself that is unseen.  We are one being, a spiritual being, living a human life.  There is a physical part of me that sits now and writes.  But there is a larger part of me, grand and wise, and felt rather than seen.

This is the presence to whom I now speak.  I’ve been struggling with something, and I need your help.

I seek meaningful work.  I seek fulfillment and purpose, through using my unique talents and gifts to help others in a meaningful way.  I don’t know exactly what this looks like yet.  But I do know what it feels like.  It feels like joy, and deep fulfillment, and more joy.  It feels rewarding, authentic, and deeply satisfying.  It feels like letting my spirit out to play!

Probably I have not seen a prototype of this because there isn’t one!  Probably I must create something special and unique that will serve in the way only I can serve.

And so this is what I hold dearly in my heart as the feeling I want to create.  This feeling of true, honest, deep fulfillment.  Of embodying the joy that comes with authentic expression into my work here on earth.  Allowing my heart to pour itself out into the world, through my hands, as the work that I do.

Larger part of myself, help guide me in this.  Help guide me toward the opportunities that you know are right for me.  Because I don’t know what this looks like; I don’t know details, I find myself frustrated sometimes by manifestation techniques and visualization.  I don’t know what to ask for!  I don’t know what to visualize.  However, I know that I can hold onto that feeling of deep level satisfaction and meaning.  I will do this, and leave the details up to you.  Magnetize the right opportunities for me that will allow me to spread OUR gifts into this world.

I also want to mention that I know I have tried to control this for a while now.  I have been clinging to a plan, any plan, feeling that I had to create one just for the sake of having one.  But this has caused anxiety rather than a feeling of fulfillment.  I realize I have been trying to create out of desperation.  Desperation for structure, desperation for a road to the future, desperation because I’m taking it all on myself!!

So I give it all up!!  I surrender the need to create the plan.  I know how to focus on the feeling.  I will surrender the outcome to you, the larger part of myself that is unseen.  I know what my true work feels like already….Heart-breakingly beautiful and alive with passion!  All the desires for adventure, for connection, for creativity, I trust that they will come along with it, for they are part of what fulfills the longing of my soul.  I will focus on the inner work.  I will accept that this is my part.  I am not the architect.  I am the receiver, I am the channel.  I will keep myself in tune.  I will vibrate with fulfillment, gratitude and love.

Now, you do the rest.  🙂

With all my heart, thank you for your work behind the scenes.

With love,

Katelandia

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Open the Door

In my last post I shared about accepting who I am now, today, as enough; and how that was a bit of a breakthrough for me.  Today I want to build on that idea.  When we accept the fact of our “enough-ness” we are taking a big step in the direction of self love.  But speaking the words “self love”, and having an intellectual idea of self love, are SO drastically different from FEELING truly loved.

I would like to share with you an exercise I have been practicing.  I’m sure others have done this/taught this or some similar version.  It’s like a visualization.

Take a few deep breaths and become calm and centered.  When you are ready, take your awareness up and behind you.  Pretend that you are a guide or an angel or any higher level spiritual being.  And you are watching your human self from this third party perspective, like watching a movie of yourself.

This higher being sees your human self move throughout the day, and also knows your feelings, thoughts and intentions.  And the higher being sees that you try so hard, you think so much of everyone else, you are always striving and pushing to be better.  The higher being even sees how critical you are of yourself, but he/she knows that even this is driven from high intentions.  Your mistakes are simply misunderstandings.  The higher being see all of your life from this outside, higher perspective and can’t help but completely love this thoughtful, courageous, hard working, loving, yet sometimes scared, person.

Think about that for a second.  What if we look at our lives from the outside?  It’s like how we give our friends so much credit, we are so proud of them, we think they are so beautiful and funny.  We don’t think twice when they do something that we would never forgive ourselves for.  We cut our dear friends and loved ones so much slack, but we can’t do the same for ourselves.  Well, look at yourself from the outside.  See yourself as dear and brave and thoughtful and trying, always trying so hard to do the right thing.  Always thinking of others.  Always struggling but getting up again each day, looking at the world optimistically, and working harder to be the best version of yourself possible.

Ok.  Now.  Second part of the visualization.  Again, take an outside perspective, but now it’s from the viewpoint of someone who looks up to you.  Your dog, your niece, a younger sibling, or someone that looks to you as a mentor.  See yourself from their perspective.  See your talents, your generosity, see the special light that you bring into the world that makes this person (or animal) so drawn to you.  Look at yourself with the wonder and admiration that this being has for you.

Doesn’t that feel so good?!

Hang in there though, because it gets even better.  There’s a Part 3!

The above exercise is the “giving” love part.  I’m looking at myself from the outside and seeing that I’m deserving of so much love.  I’m wrapping myself in a beautiful pink bubble of love from the outside.

But what I realized is that I also need to receive that love.

I need to open the door from the inside and let it in.

Imagine the person from whom you are going to receive love.  Imagine all this love being sent to you.  Now open the door.  Either think of your entire body as a door, or place a few doors on your body, like your heart and upper back, forehead, ears, throat and back of neck.  Feel yourself receiving it!  Feel it coming in the door and entering your body.  Feel it like a happy hum, or purr, settling into your body.  Bask in it!!

I realize none of this is easy or automatic.  As I started practicing accepting love, from myself, my parents, my loved ones…I realized that I hadn’t been able to accept it for so long.  I had built walls that said I couldn’t accept it.  Perhaps I thought that love came with requirements, or that I wasn’t good enough to deserve it.  In any case, letting the love in now is not that easy!  I have to sit down and consciously allow it in.  But when I do….it feels so good!!  It’s life affirming, nourishing, peace-bringing and soul-soothing.  Literally what we live for.  Love!

Please take the time to give yourself love, respect, and understanding; but also to consciously allow the energizing life force of love to be received within your body, whether it’s from yourself or another.  You are so deeply loved.  Please let it in.

Katelandia

I am enough

Wow.  I had the most amazing revelation this week, thanks to my therapist, who helped show me something that would have taken me a long time to see on my own.

I went for a walk last week and as I often do, I was on the lookout for wildlife.  But for some reason, I had it in mind that I was going to see something out of the ordinary.  Crows and squirrels were not going to cut it. I was going to see a SPECIAL animal.  It was GOING to happen, I was convinced.

Of course, it didn’t happen.

But on the way home, the timing just happened to be perfect and I was gifted with an extraordinary, bright pink/orange sunset, that I hadn’t expected and wouldn’t have seen if I had been just ten minutes earlier or later.

And my heart kinda opened and I realized, I had been reaching and striving for this imaginary spirit animal that I had decided I was going to see.  I hadn’t been open to what the universe wanted to give me.  I had an almost needy energy, needing this animal to appear to me, rather than gratitude and acceptance for what was already appearing to me.  The sunset felt like it contained that message, appearing to me right after I had been almost desperately looking for something else.

So I was telling my therapist this story, and talking about this energy that does pop up in me often.  This reaching, striving, kind of needy, eager energy.  Looking for my next spiritual lesson, the next sign from the universe, the next level of awareness.

She posed a very important question to me.

“So, what if this is all there is?  Like right now, if you never get any further.  How does that feel?”

I was like, NO!  That does not feel ok!  I need to learn more, I have so far to go, so much to learn, so much to do!

And boom, it hit me.  Even with all the growth I’ve experienced, all the steps I’ve taken towards self love and self forgiveness, all the beautiful heart opening experiences I’ve had…I still do not accept myself as I am.  Today.  Right now.  I still think I’m flawed in some way.  That I require improvement.  That I’m not enough, yet.  Someday, I may be. But definitely not yet.

I cry tears of joy and laughter right now as I write this because it’s so beautiful to be able to see this misunderstanding, and feel the freedom that comes with its release.

What if I choose to believe that I am enough, right now, as I am, today?

How much peace does that bring!

It’s like this pesky anxious noise always running in the background of my life just got quiet and I can relax for the first time, EVER!

It’s the most beautiful serenity and peace I have ever experienced, just the simple feeling that I’m ok, right now.  With everything I have learned and not learned.  With everything I have done and not done.  Today.  As I sit, as I am.

I have sat with this for about 3 days now.  I continue to feel deeper peace than ever before, but it’s a practice just like everything else.  The not-enough-ness program has a firmly entrenched neural network.  I have to constantly remind myself of my enough-ness.  And each time I do, this bubble of lightness and joy and relief and gratitude flows through my body.

We are so driven, to achieve, to compete, and to be approved of.  I would guess that a lot of people carry a similar burden that I have carried.  That I am not good enough, yet.  I must keep striving.  Even on a spiritual path, that I must keep pushing and striving for growth and lessons and experiences that are going to help get me…somewhere else.  Help me become…someone else.

I am here to tell you, you are already enough.  Right now, today.  You are 100% enough.  You are perfect and you are loved and you are enough, exactly as you already are.  Let that knowledge relax and relieve you, let it dissolve your anxiety, and let it melt any tension in your body.  You are enough.  There it is.  That peace.

Does accepting ourselves as we are mean that we never grow more, that we never achieve more?  Nay, I say to you.  Accepting ourselves can only lead to more breakthroughs, more love, more opportunities.  And deeper levels of connection, with God, the Universe, and each other.  Within this practice, we are working with the energy of the universe, LOVE, rather than against it.

I truly wish for this peace of mind, body, and spirit for all of us.  May we know, and deeply feel, that we are enough.

May this message bring peace to your heart!

All the love,

Katelandia

Humble Warrior

There’s something magical that happens when I’m walking around with an open heart.  When I’m in connection with my authentic self, through my heart, and living from that place.

I start to feel completely humbled yet empowered at the same time.

The humble part comes when I accept my place in the universe.  When I look around and give gratitude for being here, now, and being a part in this grand orchestra.

I begin to realize that I don’t have to fight for my spot.  I don’t have to defend.  I don’t even have to do anything to deserve this.  I am here, now.  Period.

And when there’s nothing to defend….no one can hurt me.

And then, when I’m unafraid of external outcomes, I get this surge of empowerment.  It’s a place of supreme confidence, but at the same time I’m blown away by how beautiful the world is and I’m so grateful to be here, be learning, be loved, be a part of it all.  It’s the most beautiful combination of humility and strength.  It’s like…seeing how beautiful the web of creation is humbles me to know that I get to be a part of it.  But knowing that I am part of all of this shows me how beautiful I am at the same time.  When I see my unique beauty and gifts, I want to share them with the world, and serve in my own unique way.

I’m often not in this place.  I’m in worry or self-judgement.  Long held limiting beliefs get triggered.  I move out of my heart into my head.  But just knowing how good it feels when I’m in the flow makes me want to stay there more often.  We have tools.  Meditation, prayer, practicing gratitude, and doing things we love can all bring us back to that state of openhearted connection.

We are unconditionally loved and cherished.  And we are powerful beyond measure.  The need to defend implies a weakness that is simply not the case.  May we feel this truth deep in our hearts, so that we can be empowered to share our unique light with the world.

Thank you for reading and supporting me on my own healing journey.  Please know how loved you are!!!

Blessings and Peace,

Katelandia

 

 

Approval

What if I KNEW, on a deep deep level, that I am inherently approved of, accepted, and loved beyond measure?

What if I FELT, constantly, that I am not only wanted, but I am important to the big picture?

How would this change my words, actions, and relation to others?  How would this change my entire mode of being?

This is becoming so important to me lately.  I’m intending that I KNOW these things, and that my sense of approval and acceptance doesn’t “come from” anyone or anything outside of myself…it just IS.

Because it is!!

When my sense of approval is tied to someone else, outside of me, there’s that sense of disconnect; like I’m not good enough on the inside.  It causes so much anxiety, and my actions then come from a state of doubt.  I question myself on the inside, and then don’t act confidently on the outside…which leads to more self doubt.

I’m starting to understand that the disconnect I’m feeling is literally a feeling of being cut off from source, god, that all powerful loving energy that I am part of.  When I cut myself off from that, all hell breaks loose!

And I guess therein lies the key.  I am the only one cutting myself off, in the exact moment that I seek approval elsewhere.

It’s the very act of seeking that shows I don’t believe I’m already loved.

Here are a few of the ways I typically seek approval elsewhere:  RELATIONSHIPS.  Parents.  Approval from clients.  Approval from bosses.  Social acceptance.  Social media likes.  In other words…everywhere!!  And every moment spent seeking….I’m realizing is actually a moment spent cutting myself off.

So, how does my life look when I stop seeking?  When I simply KNOW the approval is already there?  When I truly believe that every moment of my life, I have been known, seen, approved of and loved beyond measure?

I can finally f’ing relax, for one thing!!  I can be myself.  I can excel at work.  I’m more creative.  I speak more kindly.  I seek fulfillment, rather than approval.  I know myself better.  I stand up for myself.  I eat better.  I sleep better.  I feel so free!

And this is when I realize, this constant seeking takes up SO. MUCH. ENERGY.  Energy that could be redirected in beautiful, powerful, creative and world-changing ways.

My prayer is this: May we all KNOW, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that we are CHERISHED as we already are.  That in every moment, we are SO loved.  That there is nothing we could ever do to lose this love.  May this sense of inherent acceptance first comfort us, and then strengthen us, so that we may each go out and do our important work in this world.

So it is!

YOU ARE LOVED.

Katelandia

 

 

 

In this moment

Contentment is here and now

Gratitude – Immense, overflowing gratitude!

For this moment, this exact moment

This experience

This connection within me, to the world!

To God!  To All That Is

To all of humanity, who experience the same joys and sorrows

To my beloved, transparent Bagheera (I love you so!)

To the few, precious angels who have shown me what it means to be unconditionally loved (you know who you are!)

To love itself

To my own beauty

My worthiness

The depths of my value and the heights of my potential.

I am humbled

I am filled up

With the simple truth of Being Love.

 

I will carry that for you

Oh Universe, your timing is so perfect.

I dreamed I was in a group of family members, and my grandmother was there.  I knew that she had been gone a long time, and as I saw her it registered that it was a special surprise to see her again.  I exclaimed, “Grandma!”  She held out her arms to me and I crawled into them, and folded my big adult body into her small lap.  I burst into tears.  And she said words I will never forget.  “Share with me anything you want to share with me.”

And at that exact moment I woke up, and ever since have been thinking about what I would share.

It was an invitation to unload myself of my greatest fears, my heaviest burdens.

What would I tell her?

I have such big dreams, and I feel so motivated to help people.  But along with that comes this fear that I’m never going to make a difference.  That I’m never going to live up to this giant thing called my potential.  That I’m not doing enough.  That I’m going to disappoint myself.

I am worried that I’m lost.  My life lately is like a yard sale…Everything must go!  But what is going to fill in the empty spaces?  Where do I direct all this energy and passion?

It hits me hard to face these fears in myself.  To name them.

And my grandma simply said, Let me help you with those.  They look heavy.  Let me carry those burdens for you.

My precious child, let me hold you, and know my love for you.