I had a really cool insight yesterday in spin class….this is not the first time this has happened in spin by the way; I think it’s something about the physical part being so challenging that I have to go into the heart to escape from the ego/survival instinct telling me to quit.
And my heart showed me something new, right there in the middle of class.
Lately I’ve been facing some wounds from my childhood. I’ve fostered beliefs – vikalpas as the yogis say – of “not good enough” and “not a good person” for a long time. Recently I’ve been working on forgiving and accepting my dad for his judgments of himself and of me growing up. I came to realize that when I felt like I was being judged by him, it most likely was just another way of him judging himself. I think he never felt like he was good enough. Always pushing harder, striving to be better. Not from a place of love but from a place of unworthiness. And his firstborn child was an extension of himself.
So I had begun to realize and let go of the grudge I carried, understanding that he had forgotten how special he already was, and felt he had to prove himself in order to be worthy of love. [BTW, there is a really cool Jeshua channeling that helped me with this A LOT, by Pamela Kribbe, here . Look for the Healing Series, Letting Go of Your Birth Family.]
But then in spin class another layer unfurled.
I wouldn’t have gotten to the place I am now, of seeking connection with the divine in my heart….without first getting so depressed and self-loathing and just so LOW. No mud, no lotus, as they say! After years of beating myself up for being a “bad person”, I finally looked for another way. And it’s been the most rewarding year of my life. Maybe my greatest teachers, including my dad, loved me SO much that they took on the role of challenging me – which was probably really hard for them – just so that ultimately I would grow stronger and come to realize the love inside of me.
So I want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart for being that person who pushed me in the only way that would make me grow the most. Through experience. You didn’t volunteer to be my best friend – which would have been a much easier path to walk. You volunteered to be one of my biggest challengers, so that I could find it for myself. That is some real, strong, honorable love. I’m humbled by that love. Thank you.