Acorn Medicine


What if the acorn believed it wasn’t good enough to be an oak tree?  What if every day it was like, ‘I really, really want to be an oak tree…But, I’m not good enough.  I’m not important enough.  I’m not valuable enough.’

Why are we, seemingly, the only creatures who have such a hard time believing in ourselves?

I found some cute little acorns today.  Little acorns that become giant oak trees, just with time, surrendering to the seasons, surrendering to animals eating them, rain washing them away, and sunlight shining on them.  They quietly carry the secret of their giant potential and allow it to unfold.

The last few weeks, I have been feeling very deeply the subject of my own value. I’m new in Portland, and I’ve been chasing, groveling and clinging to job opportunities that make me feel small.  And finally on Wednesday, I was leaving a yoga demo after which the owner didn’t give me a yes or no.  I was feeling really unworthy as I was driving home, like I’m not valuable as a person because of their perceived rejection.  But this time, I realized what I was doing, and I was like NO MORE.  I will not chase.  I will not cling.  The right opportunities are going to come, and in the meantime I am FINE.  I am safe, I am sheltered, I have food.  If the thing is not meant for me, I let it go, and allow what belongs to me to come in.

It was new for me, because the feeling of being unworthy came up, but it didn’t sit right and I recognized the untruth of it. I pulled out of it, upgraded my own value, and felt the ease of surrender all at the same time.

When we let go of clinginess and desperation, we show the universe and ourselves that we trust.  We also rise above whatever it was that we were clinging to, and therefore show ourselves that we’re more valuable/stronger/more capable than we thought.  That we don’t NEED the thing.  It’s not a haughty, ‘Fine, I don’t need you then!’  No.  It’s calm and quiet and empowering.  It’s a reflection of self worth, as well as courageous surrender.  In doing this, we allow something higher to drop in.  Something that matches who we TRULY are – unique, spectacular, and brave.

The acorn doesn’t accept the destiny of becoming a potted plant.  The acorn is destined to express itself as an oak tree and it doesn’t stray from that.  It doesn’t even think to question it, let alone consider a lesser offer.

May we all know our inherent worthiness so that we can let go of the lesser offer and open to receive what is rightly ours.



You are not alone

I just moved to Portland.  I am jobless and feeling a lot of negative emotions.  Fear. Self doubt.  Panic.  More self doubt.

Of course, as soon as these emotions come up, the first instinct is, Run!

Distract.  Ignore.  Fix.  Any strategy seems better than experiencing the yucky feelings, experiencing the negative self talk.

You’re a loser.  You’re not doing anything important with your life.  You will never live up to your potential.  You will never live up to your dreams.  Your life will be meaningless.

Who wants to sit through that?  No one!!

But here’s an interesting concept.  What if we can show ourselves compassion in those moments when it matters most?  What if we can use our awareness to sit right there with the pain, saying, I might not be able to fix it…but I can experience it with you.

I watched a cute cartoon that accompanied a Brené Brown excerpt on empathy. Sympathy says, that looks bad down there!  Empathy says, I’m right here with you.  You are not alone.

It’s so easy for me to empathize with other people.  I do it all the time, without even wanting to sometimes.  I can’t turn it off.

But what about empathizing with myself??  With the hurt part inside, the part that’s unsure, feels unsafe, scared, and panicky?

It’s going to take a little practice, but it’s surely not impossible.

I’ll start now.

Little one,

I see that you’re so scared.  I see that you think that you’re bad.  That you feel unworthy and small right now.  You don’t know what the future holds.  I hear you questioning your value, questioning your decisions.

I just want to say, I am here with you.  I am on your side.  I am your friend, I will always be your friend, I will always love you, and I will never, ever, ever leave you.

Love, Me.



Courage to Change

Not-enough-ness is a poison.  It’s also addictive and easier to pursue than self-upliftment.  The pathways are deeply rutted with travel, and it’s no harder than autopilot to slip right back into that groove.

I am ugly.  I am a bad person.  I am not capable of ______.  I won’t ever achieve ______.  I’m not good enough.  I won’t ever be good enough.

These limiting beliefs might not even be conscious, they may run under the surface.  But make no mistake, they are there, and they affect our behavior until we become aware of them, and decide to change.  Sounds good, right?  Here’s the catch.  It’s really fucking hard work.

I’m reading a book about diet and acne.  The introduction argues that acne is your ally, because it’s showing you that something in your diet or environment is not working for your body.  It’s an early warning signal of future problems and diseases, should you continue eating/drinking something you’re regularly ingesting.  We should all be thanking our acne for showing up to warn us, so we can fix it!

Ok, I can get behind all that.  Until I find out that my acne trigger is sugar, and I can’t have my (delicious) hemp dirty chai lattes anymore….which I’m very much addicted to.  The thought of breaking this habit seems so daunting, and sad, because there’s a part of me that is really hanging on hard to this.  It’s a part of me that wants control.  It doesn’t want to listen to my body it wants to be the one who decides, who chooses!

Finally saying no, I’m going to change, I’m going to find a better way….it takes SO MUCH WORK.  It is the easier path to say fuck it!  To just lead with the ego, who LOVES to lead anyway!   To make decisions based on control, conversations based in fear, and to stay SMALL.

A guest* on a podcast I heard recently shared that there’s literally a part of our mind who wants to stay small because it’s more consistent with the life we’ve always lived.  To stay the same weight we’ve always weighed, or stay in the same boring job we’ve always done, or the same shitty relationships, because we’ve already survived this level of existence and so it’s SAFE.  We resist change because the part of ourselves concerned with survival knows that we have been able to survive staying the same.

Ok, so it’s hard.  BUT.  It’s also hard to live with these crappy beliefs about ourselves!  It’s hard when you think you’re ugly and fat, and it prevents you from having rewarding relationships because you’re jealous of someone’s looks or weight so you don’t even give them a chance.  It’s hard when you tell yourself you’re a bad person constantly and have a looped tape in your head of your life’s transgressions to prove your badness.  Like, from 1st grade on.  Yes, these are personal examples and yes, they’re ugly and sad.  I used to have anxiety dreams EVERY night.

Here’s what, in a nutshell, finally happened.  I got SO low, that I couldn’t even live like that anymore.  The bad feelings that were produced by all of these negative beliefs finally got me to seek some help.  Just like my acne, they ended up being an ally, a messenger, which made me seek a better way.  And I arrived on my spiritual path, for which I will always be grateful.

So when both staying the same, AND opening to change, are hard…which one do you choose??

For me, it’s obvious.  I want to open up to my enough-ness.  I want to open up to my greatness.  I want to align with personal power, and freedom, and beauty, and laughter.  While I’m at it, I want clear skin!  For me I have no doubt the two are related!  That deep down when I think I’m ugly and unworthy, this reflects in both my diet and my skin.

Let’s collectively choose to dig a new groove for ourselves.  While we may not be able to completely banish the part our ourselves that is driven to survive by playing small; we are also SO MUCH more.  We are unlimited spirit.  I am putting my money that ultimately my spirit is more powerful than my fear of change!  That if I start making those little steps toward alignment, telling myself things like I am beautiful, I am capable, I am BIG and expansive, and I DESERVE happiness and fulfillment….even if I can’t wholeheartedly believe those things at first….my willingness to believe, to do the work, WILL make a difference.

I am greater than my limiting beliefs!  We are ALL greater than our limiting beliefs!

Divine Presence, I want to align with who I truly am!  I want to accept the fact that I’m beautiful, that I’m capable, and that I have great purpose and great gifts to share with the world.  I want to believe that there is a reason why I am here, and that I have what it takes to align with my purpose and to make a difference here on earth.  I want to believe that I’m worthy of living a meaningful and connected life.  Give me the courage to walk a path of awareness and change, so that the divine light within may shine outward!  Finally, let me FEEL the goodness, beauty, and joy that comes when I align with who I truly am.

Thank you, Amen, and So it is.

Sending my love and support for your walk on this path.  If this resonates feel free to leave a comment. I’d love to interact.



*Licensed psychotherapist Karolyn McKinley,  episode 172 of the Awakened Goddess Show



Inner Work

Dear Larger part of myself;

I know that you are me and I am you.  I don’t want to refer to you as my higher self anymore, because that makes me feel that you are separate from me, and connotes that I am only small, only a physical body, which I know is not true.  I now want to refer to you as the larger part of myself that is unseen.  We are one being, a spiritual being, living a human life.  There is a physical part of me that sits now and writes.  But there is a larger part of me, grand and wise, and felt rather than seen.

This is the presence to whom I now speak.  I’ve been struggling with something, and I need your help.

I seek meaningful work.  I seek fulfillment and purpose, through using my unique talents and gifts to help others in a meaningful way.  I don’t know exactly what this looks like yet.  But I do know what it feels like.  It feels like joy, and deep fulfillment, and more joy.  It feels rewarding, authentic, and deeply satisfying.  It feels like letting my spirit out to play!

Probably I have not seen a prototype of this because there isn’t one!  Probably I must create something special and unique that will serve in the way only I can serve.

And so this is what I hold dearly in my heart as the feeling I want to create.  This feeling of true, honest, deep fulfillment.  Of embodying the joy that comes with authentic expression into my work here on earth.  Allowing my heart to pour itself out into the world, through my hands, as the work that I do.

Larger part of myself, help guide me in this.  Help guide me toward the opportunities that you know are right for me.  Because I don’t know what this looks like; I don’t know details, I find myself frustrated sometimes by manifestation techniques and visualization.  I don’t know what to ask for!  I don’t know what to visualize.  However, I know that I can hold onto that feeling of deep level satisfaction and meaning.  I will do this, and leave the details up to you.  Magnetize the right opportunities for me that will allow me to spread OUR gifts into this world.

I also want to mention that I know I have tried to control this for a while now.  I have been clinging to a plan, any plan, feeling that I had to create one just for the sake of having one.  But this has caused anxiety rather than a feeling of fulfillment.  I realize I have been trying to create out of desperation.  Desperation for structure, desperation for a road to the future, desperation because I’m taking it all on myself!!

So I give it all up!!  I surrender the need to create the plan.  I know how to focus on the feeling.  I will surrender the outcome to you, the larger part of myself that is unseen.  I know what my true work feels like already….Heart-breakingly beautiful and alive with passion!  All the desires for adventure, for connection, for creativity, I trust that they will come along with it, for they are part of what fulfills the longing of my soul.  I will focus on the inner work.  I will accept that this is my part.  I am not the architect.  I am the receiver, I am the channel.  I will keep myself in tune.  I will vibrate with fulfillment, gratitude and love.

Now, you do the rest.  🙂

With all my heart, thank you for your work behind the scenes.

With love,



Open the Door

In my last post I shared about accepting who I am now, today, as enough; and how that was a bit of a breakthrough for me.  Today I want to build on that idea.  When we accept the fact of our “enough-ness” we are taking a big step in the direction of self love.  But speaking the words “self love”, and having an intellectual idea of self love, are SO drastically different from FEELING truly loved.

I would like to share with you an exercise I have been practicing.  I’m sure others have done this/taught this or some similar version.  It’s like a visualization.

Take a few deep breaths and become calm and centered.  When you are ready, take your awareness up and behind you.  Pretend that you are a guide or an angel or any higher level spiritual being.  And you are watching your human self from this third party perspective, like watching a movie of yourself.

This higher being sees your human self move throughout the day, and also knows your feelings, thoughts and intentions.  And the higher being sees that you try so hard, you think so much of everyone else, you are always striving and pushing to be better.  The higher being even sees how critical you are of yourself, but he/she knows that even this is driven from high intentions.  Your mistakes are simply misunderstandings.  The higher being see all of your life from this outside, higher perspective and can’t help but completely love this thoughtful, courageous, hard working, loving, yet sometimes scared, person.

Think about that for a second.  What if we look at our lives from the outside?  It’s like how we give our friends so much credit, we are so proud of them, we think they are so beautiful and funny.  We don’t think twice when they do something that we would never forgive ourselves for.  We cut our dear friends and loved ones so much slack, but we can’t do the same for ourselves.  Well, look at yourself from the outside.  See yourself as dear and brave and thoughtful and trying, always trying so hard to do the right thing.  Always thinking of others.  Always struggling but getting up again each day, looking at the world optimistically, and working harder to be the best version of yourself possible.

Ok.  Now.  Second part of the visualization.  Again, take an outside perspective, but now it’s from the viewpoint of someone who looks up to you.  Your dog, your niece, a younger sibling, or someone that looks to you as a mentor.  See yourself from their perspective.  See your talents, your generosity, see the special light that you bring into the world that makes this person (or animal) so drawn to you.  Look at yourself with the wonder and admiration that this being has for you.

Doesn’t that feel so good?!

Hang in there though, because it gets even better.  There’s a Part 3!

The above exercise is the “giving” love part.  I’m looking at myself from the outside and seeing that I’m deserving of so much love.  I’m wrapping myself in a beautiful pink bubble of love from the outside.

But what I realized is that I also need to receive that love.

I need to open the door from the inside and let it in.

Imagine the person from whom you are going to receive love.  Imagine all this love being sent to you.  Now open the door.  Either think of your entire body as a door, or place a few doors on your body, like your heart and upper back, forehead, ears, throat and back of neck.  Feel yourself receiving it!  Feel it coming in the door and entering your body.  Feel it like a happy hum, or purr, settling into your body.  Bask in it!!

I realize none of this is easy or automatic.  As I started practicing accepting love, from myself, my parents, my loved ones…I realized that I hadn’t been able to accept it for so long.  I had built walls that said I couldn’t accept it.  Perhaps I thought that love came with requirements, or that I wasn’t good enough to deserve it.  In any case, letting the love in now is not that easy!  I have to sit down and consciously allow it in.  But when I do….it feels so good!!  It’s life affirming, nourishing, peace-bringing and soul-soothing.  Literally what we live for.  Love!

Please take the time to give yourself love, respect, and understanding; but also to consciously allow the energizing life force of love to be received within your body, whether it’s from yourself or another.  You are so deeply loved.  Please let it in.



I am enough

Wow.  I had the most amazing revelation this week, thanks to my therapist, who helped show me something that would have taken me a long time to see on my own.

I went for a walk last week and as I often do, I was on the lookout for wildlife.  But for some reason, I had it in mind that I was going to see something out of the ordinary.  Crows and squirrels were not going to cut it. I was going to see a SPECIAL animal.  It was GOING to happen, I was convinced.

Of course, it didn’t happen.

But on the way home, the timing just happened to be perfect and I was gifted with an extraordinary, bright pink/orange sunset, that I hadn’t expected and wouldn’t have seen if I had been just ten minutes earlier or later.

And my heart kinda opened and I realized, I had been reaching and striving for this imaginary spirit animal that I had decided I was going to see.  I hadn’t been open to what the universe wanted to give me.  I had an almost needy energy, needing this animal to appear to me, rather than gratitude and acceptance for what was already appearing to me.  The sunset felt like it contained that message, appearing to me right after I had been almost desperately looking for something else.

So I was telling my therapist this story, and talking about this energy that does pop up in me often.  This reaching, striving, kind of needy, eager energy.  Looking for my next spiritual lesson, the next sign from the universe, the next level of awareness.

She posed a very important question to me.

“So, what if this is all there is?  Like right now, if you never get any further.  How does that feel?”

I was like, NO!  That does not feel ok!  I need to learn more, I have so far to go, so much to learn, so much to do!

And boom, it hit me.  Even with all the growth I’ve experienced, all the steps I’ve taken towards self love and self forgiveness, all the beautiful heart opening experiences I’ve had…I still do not accept myself as I am.  Today.  Right now.  I still think I’m flawed in some way.  That I require improvement.  That I’m not enough, yet.  Someday, I may be. But definitely not yet.

I cry tears of joy and laughter right now as I write this because it’s so beautiful to be able to see this misunderstanding, and feel the freedom that comes with its release.

What if I choose to believe that I am enough, right now, as I am, today?

How much peace does that bring!

It’s like this pesky anxious noise always running in the background of my life just got quiet and I can relax for the first time, EVER!

It’s the most beautiful serenity and peace I have ever experienced, just the simple feeling that I’m ok, right now.  With everything I have learned and not learned.  With everything I have done and not done.  Today.  As I sit, as I am.

I have sat with this for about 3 days now.  I continue to feel deeper peace than ever before, but it’s a practice just like everything else.  The not-enough-ness program has a firmly entrenched neural network.  I have to constantly remind myself of my enough-ness.  And each time I do, this bubble of lightness and joy and relief and gratitude flows through my body.

We are so driven, to achieve, to compete, and to be approved of.  I would guess that a lot of people carry a similar burden that I have carried.  That I am not good enough, yet.  I must keep striving.  Even on a spiritual path, that I must keep pushing and striving for growth and lessons and experiences that are going to help get me…somewhere else.  Help me become…someone else.

I am here to tell you, you are already enough.  Right now, today.  You are 100% enough.  You are perfect and you are loved and you are enough, exactly as you already are.  Let that knowledge relax and relieve you, let it dissolve your anxiety, and let it melt any tension in your body.  You are enough.  There it is.  That peace.

Does accepting ourselves as we are mean that we never grow more, that we never achieve more?  Nay, I say to you.  Accepting ourselves can only lead to more breakthroughs, more love, more opportunities.  And deeper levels of connection, with God, the Universe, and each other.  Within this practice, we are working with the energy of the universe, LOVE, rather than against it.

I truly wish for this peace of mind, body, and spirit for all of us.  May we know, and deeply feel, that we are enough.

May this message bring peace to your heart!

All the love,