Humble Warrior

There’s something magical that happens when I’m walking around with an open heart.  When I’m in connection with my authentic self, through my heart, and living from that place.

I start to feel completely humbled yet empowered at the same time.

The humble part comes when I accept my place in the universe.  When I look around and give gratitude for being here, now, and being a part in this grand orchestra.

I begin to realize that I don’t have to fight for my spot.  I don’t have to defend.  I don’t even have to do anything to deserve this.  I am here, now.  Period.

And when there’s nothing to defend….no one can hurt me.

And then, when I’m unafraid of external outcomes, I get this surge of empowerment.  It’s a place of supreme confidence, but at the same time I’m blown away by how beautiful the world is and I’m so grateful to be here, be learning, be loved, be a part of it all.  It’s the most beautiful combination of humility and strength.  It’s like…seeing how beautiful the web of creation is humbles me to know that I get to be a part of it.  But knowing that I am part of all of this shows me how beautiful I am at the same time.  When I see my unique beauty and gifts, I want to share them with the world, and serve in my own unique way.

I’m often not in this place.  I’m in worry or self-judgement.  Long held limiting beliefs get triggered.  I move out of my heart into my head.  But just knowing how good it feels when I’m in the flow makes me want to stay there more often.  We have tools.  Meditation, prayer, practicing gratitude, and doing things we love can all bring us back to that state of openhearted connection.

We are unconditionally loved and cherished.  And we are powerful beyond measure.  The need to defend implies a weakness that is simply not the case.  May we feel this truth deep in our hearts, so that we can be empowered to share our unique light with the world.

Thank you for reading and supporting me on my own healing journey.  Please know how loved you are!!!

Blessings and Peace,

Katelandia

 

 

Advertisements

Approval

What if I KNEW, on a deep deep level, that I am inherently approved of, accepted, and loved beyond measure?

What if I FELT, constantly, that I am not only wanted, but I am important to the big picture?

How would this change my words, actions, and relation to others?  How would this change my entire mode of being?

This is becoming so important to me lately.  I’m intending that I KNOW these things, and that my sense of approval and acceptance doesn’t “come from” anyone or anything outside of myself…it just IS.

Because it is!!

When my sense of approval is tied to someone else, outside of me, there’s that sense of disconnect; like I’m not good enough on the inside.  It causes so much anxiety, and my actions then come from a state of doubt.  I question myself on the inside, and then don’t act confidently on the outside…which leads to more self doubt.

I’m starting to understand that the disconnect I’m feeling is literally a feeling of being cut off from source, god, that all powerful loving energy that I am part of.  When I cut myself off from that, all hell breaks loose!

And I guess therein lies the key.  I am the only one cutting myself off, in the exact moment that I seek approval elsewhere.

It’s the very act of seeking that shows I don’t believe I’m already loved.

Here are a few of the ways I typically seek approval elsewhere:  RELATIONSHIPS.  Parents.  Approval from clients.  Approval from bosses.  Social acceptance.  Social media likes.  In other words…everywhere!!  And every moment spent seeking….I’m realizing is actually a moment spent cutting myself off.

So, how does my life look when I stop seeking?  When I simply KNOW the approval is already there?  When I truly believe that every moment of my life, I have been known, seen, approved of and loved beyond measure?

I can finally f’ing relax, for one thing!!  I can be myself.  I can excel at work.  I’m more creative.  I speak more kindly.  I seek fulfillment, rather than approval.  I know myself better.  I stand up for myself.  I eat better.  I sleep better.  I feel so free!

And this is when I realize, this constant seeking takes up SO. MUCH. ENERGY.  Energy that could be redirected in beautiful, powerful, creative and world-changing ways.

My prayer is this: May we all KNOW, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that we are CHERISHED as we already are.  That in every moment, we are SO loved.  That there is nothing we could ever do to lose this love.  May this sense of inherent acceptance first comfort us, and then strengthen us, so that we may each go out and do our important work in this world.

So it is!

YOU ARE LOVED.

Katelandia

 

 

 

In this moment

Contentment is here and now

Gratitude – Immense, overflowing gratitude!

For this moment, this exact moment

This experience

This connection within me, to the world!

To God!  To All That Is

To all of humanity, who experience the same joys and sorrows

To my beloved, transparent Bagheera (I love you so!)

To the few, precious angels who have shown me what it means to be unconditionally loved (you know who you are!)

To love itself

To my own beauty

My worthiness

The depths of my value and the heights of my potential.

I am humbled

I am filled up

With the simple truth of Being Love.

 

I will carry that for you

Oh Universe, your timing is so perfect.

I dreamed I was in a group of family members, and my grandmother was there.  I knew that she had been gone a long time, and as I saw her it registered that it was a special surprise to see her again.  I exclaimed, “Grandma!”  She held out her arms to me and I crawled into them, and folded my big adult body into her small lap.  I burst into tears.  And she said words I will never forget.  “Share with me anything you want to share with me.”

And at that exact moment I woke up, and ever since have been thinking about what I would share.

It was an invitation to unload myself of my greatest fears, my heaviest burdens.

What would I tell her?

I have such big dreams, and I feel so motivated to help people.  But along with that comes this fear that I’m never going to make a difference.  That I’m never going to live up to this giant thing called my potential.  That I’m not doing enough.  That I’m going to disappoint myself.

I am worried that I’m lost.  My life lately is like a yard sale…Everything must go!  But what is going to fill in the empty spaces?  Where do I direct all this energy and passion?

It hits me hard to face these fears in myself.  To name them.

And my grandma simply said, Let me help you with those.  They look heavy.  Let me carry those burdens for you.

My precious child, let me hold you, and know my love for you.

 

 

The Gift in the Garbage

When I was in the depth of my depression, two summers ago, gratitude was far from my thoughts. I was so caught up in the drama in my life, I couldn’t see that there would ever be a way out.  I felt like no matter which direction I went, I would never be happy, and I would always be hurting someone.  I saw myself, deep down, as a bad person.  These thoughts plagued me and I ultimately found myself dreading the rest of my life.

And only when it got so dark did I finally search for the light. I knew there had to be a better way to live.  An internet search on “how to stay in the present moment” turned up a couple articles, which led to a couple books, that started to teach me about the power of my thoughts and my focus.  The power of my beliefs, especially about myself.  I realized that my negative beliefs about myself were taking a huge toll on my quality of life.

It’s been a year and a half since that day, the day I call my spiritual awakening.  I never thought I would say this, but I’m now grateful for those dark days.  If I hadn’t gotten so low, I would never have reached out for help.  I would never have been willing to seek a different way.

It’s taken a lot of self study and persistence, but I now see myself as a person of value and goodness.  I know I’m worthy of my dreams.  I know I have great purpose.  And now I try to keep in mind that, through any challenge, big or small, I can be grateful because these challenges are what grow me as a person.

My friend’s daughter, 9 years old, recently showed me a handout from her school – which has to be one of the coolest schools EVER – teaching kids the difference between a Growth Mindset vs. a Fixed Mindset. (Even cooler, the Growth Mindset is represented by the Force, and the Fixed Mindset is represented by the Dark Side.)  The Growth Mindset sees learning and growth as a priority, and therefore sees challenge as something to embrace.  The Fixed Mindset avoids challenges and gives up when things get hard.  So great for kids, but we adults need this reminder too!!

As I sit here writing this, I just moved to a new city, in a new state, and I’m worried about money.  I’m looking for a job, trying to change directions in my career.  I’m getting divorced.  I’m learning things about myself that I haven’t been willing to look at before.  It can get ugly!  I’m stumbling…stress eating…feeling insecure.  But I’m also remembering how those darkest days were what made me turn my face to the light…and now how I praise that period of my life as the catalyst for so much positive change.  I know that these challenges I face now, are the forerunners of becoming prouder of, and more in love with, myself.

My definition of spiritual growth is getting closer to my own true self – the unconditional love at the core of who I am. This love helps me make decisions, helps guide me to the right relationships, shows me my purpose, and makes me feel fulfilled.  This is the gift in the garbage.  This is why growth, and therefore challenge, is so important.

My message is this:  Every one of us is good, valuable, and worthy of our own greatest potential.  You are worthy of the love that you already are!!  Embrace your challenges and the growth that is coming…you are SO worth it!

Not always easy

Why can it be so difficult sometimes

To remember my own value?

My OWN value

Not because of my job

My bank account

My body fat %

Or the fact that he does or doesn’t text back

Why do I question myself…

Did I say something stupid?

To make him not like me?

Did I sound insecure?

Did I babble?

Why do I try so hard to “get” people to like me?

Is it because I STILL don’t love myself?

I thought I was better…I’ve been here before.

Little one…I wish you could see yourself as others do…as I do.

As bright as the sun

As warm as love

As precious as life itself.

Crack open your anxious heart

And see the vast love inside

The love that you shine so fearlessly and so willingly on everyone else

Please, I implore you

Shine just a crack of this love on your beautiful self

And feel just a fraction of the love I have for you.

My beautiful child!

Be at peace

You are everything good in this world.

 

Ahimsa

Ahimsa or non violence is the first and most important of the Yamas – five restraints that make up the moral compass in the study of yoga.  Nonviolence, sounds easy, right?  Don’t murder, abuse, attack, or cause harm to another person.  I got that one DOWN.  I’m GOOD. Next, please.

But what about nonviolence with regards to ourselves?  A little more subtle.  See, we are VERY good at being violent with ourselves, often in sneaky ways.

The other day I was doing dishes and I was running through a scenario in my head with someone in my life, where I felt like I was being treated unfairly.  I was feeling completely taken advantage of.  I was actually COMING UP with new ways that this person would PROBABLY take advantage of me next!  And I was feeling more and more frustrated, anxious, and resentful.  Mind you…this was all going on in my head! I was aware of it, and I even tried using mantras to create a feeling of safety and security in my life, but my thoughts kept going back to this place of unfairness and defensiveness.

I also know that I’ve both dealt out, and been the recipient of, one of those outbursts….The ones where you just explode and start listing every single thing you have ever done for the other person and then start listing the ways they are not giving you the same effort, contributing the same financially, or treating you with the same kindness or affection.  Or, maybe the outburst never makes it to the other person but it just replays over in your own head, causing yourself to spiral downwards with resentment and frustration and feelings of being taken advantage of.  Feelings of being UNSAFE.

I heard the other day a quote by Eckhart Tolle:  Whatever you think the world is withholding from you, you are withholding from the world.  

I think it all starts at home…that is…within ourselves.

I think that when I most feel this way, it’s because I am the one that has really been taking advantage of myself.  I’ve been pushing myself too hard, being mean to myself, not honoring my inner voice, not forgiving myself, and maybe, not giving myself enough to the world.  Not acknowledging that I have great purpose, I have great gifts to share.  Belittling myself.  Making myself small.  So that others can be big.  This inner landscape causes anxiety that can manifest outward towards other people in my life.  Side effects are also biting my cuticles and picking at my face!  I’m literally, in every sense of the word, picking on myself!

And then finally, it’s like the inner part of me hits a point and says, I can’t take this anymore!  But because I don’t realize that it’s ME who has been the worst perpetrator, I take it out on the next closest person!

And then I’m practicing violence not only against myself but also against my friends, family, loved ones, and co-workers.

I really loved this from Deborah Adele’s book the Yamas and Niyamas:

These stories show that how we treat ourselves is in truth how we treat those around us.  If you are a taskmaster with yourself, others will feel your whip.  If you are critical of yourself, others will feel your high expectations of themselves as well.  If you are light hearted and forgiving with yourself, others will feel the ease and joy of being with you.  If you find laughter and delight in yourself, others will be healed in your presence.

We would never purchase a can of red paint and expect it to be blue when we apply it to our walls.  And yet we can be so harsh and demanding with ourselves and then expect to be loving with others.  If just doesn’t work that way.  The color of the paint inside the can is the color that whatever we paint becomes.  The “color” of how we treat ourselves is the “color” of how we treat others.  If we can’t be safe with ourselves, others can never be safe with us, and the world can never be a safe place to be.

I love this because it reminds me that the way I want to show up in other people’s lives is directly related to how I treat myself.  I want to be a person who uplifts people and heals people, and helps them see the light within their own self.  I want other people to know deep down how great they really are!  This means that I must always reinforce to my own self how great I am, too.  I must VALUE myself.  I must be REVERENT for my life, my experience here on this planet, my soul, my body, my heart, and my connection to God, the Universe, and all that is.  

This also means that I can better see that when someone else treats me critically, judges me harshly….this is just because they are constantly dealing with their own harsh inner critic, it really has nothing to do with me.  If I can remember this, it helps me respond with compassion.

No one can actually ever hurt me, except myself.  I am safe, I am immeasurably valuable, and I am SO loved.   

Please know how much you are loved and how precious you are, how unique and how important to this world.  You have great purpose here.

Namaste and all the love,

Katelandia