Courage to Change

Not-enough-ness is a poison.  It’s also addictive and easier to pursue than self-upliftment.  The pathways are deeply rutted with travel, and it’s no harder than autopilot to slip right back into that groove.

I am ugly.  I am a bad person.  I am not capable of ______.  I won’t ever achieve ______.  I’m not good enough.  I won’t ever be good enough.

These limiting beliefs might not even be conscious, they may run under the surface.  But make no mistake, they are there, and they affect our behavior until we become aware of them, and decide to change.  Sounds good, right?  Here’s the catch.  It’s really fucking hard work.

I’m reading a book about diet and acne.  The introduction argues that acne is your ally, because it’s showing you that something in your diet or environment is not working for your body.  It’s an early warning signal of future problems and diseases, should you continue eating/drinking something you’re regularly ingesting.  We should all be thanking our acne for showing up to warn us, so we can fix it!

Ok, I can get behind all that.  Until I find out that my acne trigger is sugar, and I can’t have my (delicious) hemp dirty chai lattes anymore….which I’m very much addicted to.  The thought of breaking this habit seems so daunting, and sad, because there’s a part of me that is really hanging on hard to this.  It’s a part of me that wants control.  It doesn’t want to listen to my body it wants to be the one who decides, who chooses!

Finally saying no, I’m going to change, I’m going to find a better way….it takes SO MUCH WORK.  It is the easier path to say fuck it!  To just lead with the ego, who LOVES to lead anyway!   To make decisions based on control, conversations based in fear, and to stay SMALL.

A guest* on a podcast I heard recently shared that there’s literally a part of our mind who wants to stay small because it’s more consistent with the life we’ve always lived.  To stay the same weight we’ve always weighed, or stay in the same boring job we’ve always done, or the same shitty relationships, because we’ve already survived this level of existence and so it’s SAFE.  We resist change because the part of ourselves concerned with survival knows that we have been able to survive staying the same.

Ok, so it’s hard.  BUT.  It’s also hard to live with these crappy beliefs about ourselves!  It’s hard when you think you’re ugly and fat, and it prevents you from having rewarding relationships because you’re jealous of someone’s looks or weight so you don’t even give them a chance.  It’s hard when you tell yourself you’re a bad person constantly and have a looped tape in your head of your life’s transgressions to prove your badness.  Like, from 1st grade on.  Yes, these are personal examples and yes, they’re ugly and sad.  I used to have anxiety dreams EVERY night.

Here’s what, in a nutshell, finally happened.  I got SO low, that I couldn’t even live like that anymore.  The bad feelings that were produced by all of these negative beliefs finally got me to seek some help.  Just like my acne, they ended up being an ally, a messenger, which made me seek a better way.  And I arrived on my spiritual path, for which I will always be grateful.

So when both staying the same, AND opening to change, are hard…which one do you choose??

For me, it’s obvious.  I want to open up to my enough-ness.  I want to open up to my greatness.  I want to align with personal power, and freedom, and beauty, and laughter.  While I’m at it, I want clear skin!  For me I have no doubt the two are related!  That deep down when I think I’m ugly and unworthy, this reflects in both my diet and my skin.

Let’s collectively choose to dig a new groove for ourselves.  While we may not be able to completely banish the part our ourselves that is driven to survive by playing small; we are also SO MUCH more.  We are unlimited spirit.  I am putting my money that ultimately my spirit is more powerful than my fear of change!  That if I start making those little steps toward alignment, telling myself things like I am beautiful, I am capable, I am BIG and expansive, and I DESERVE happiness and fulfillment….even if I can’t wholeheartedly believe those things at first….my willingness to believe, to do the work, WILL make a difference.

I am greater than my limiting beliefs!  We are ALL greater than our limiting beliefs!

Divine Presence, I want to align with who I truly am!  I want to accept the fact that I’m beautiful, that I’m capable, and that I have great purpose and great gifts to share with the world.  I want to believe that there is a reason why I am here, and that I have what it takes to align with my purpose and to make a difference here on earth.  I want to believe that I’m worthy of living a meaningful and connected life.  Give me the courage to walk a path of awareness and change, so that the divine light within may shine outward!  Finally, let me FEEL the goodness, beauty, and joy that comes when I align with who I truly am.

Thank you, Amen, and So it is.

Sending my love and support for your walk on this path.  If this resonates feel free to leave a comment. I’d love to interact.



*Licensed psychotherapist Karolyn McKinley,  episode 172 of the Awakened Goddess Show



The Gift in the Garbage

When I was in the depth of my depression, two summers ago, gratitude was far from my thoughts. I was so caught up in the drama in my life, I couldn’t see that there would ever be a way out.  I felt like no matter which direction I went, I would never be happy, and I would always be hurting someone.  I saw myself, deep down, as a bad person.  These thoughts plagued me and I ultimately found myself dreading the rest of my life.

And only when it got so dark did I finally search for the light. I knew there had to be a better way to live.  An internet search on “how to stay in the present moment” turned up a couple articles, which led to a couple books, that started to teach me about the power of my thoughts and my focus.  The power of my beliefs, especially about myself.  I realized that my negative beliefs about myself were taking a huge toll on my quality of life.

It’s been a year and a half since that day, the day I call my spiritual awakening.  I never thought I would say this, but I’m now grateful for those dark days.  If I hadn’t gotten so low, I would never have reached out for help.  I would never have been willing to seek a different way.

It’s taken a lot of self study and persistence, but I now see myself as a person of value and goodness.  I know I’m worthy of my dreams.  I know I have great purpose.  And now I try to keep in mind that, through any challenge, big or small, I can be grateful because these challenges are what grow me as a person.

My friend’s daughter, 9 years old, recently showed me a handout from her school – which has to be one of the coolest schools EVER – teaching kids the difference between a Growth Mindset vs. a Fixed Mindset. (Even cooler, the Growth Mindset is represented by the Force, and the Fixed Mindset is represented by the Dark Side.)  The Growth Mindset sees learning and growth as a priority, and therefore sees challenge as something to embrace.  The Fixed Mindset avoids challenges and gives up when things get hard.  So great for kids, but we adults need this reminder too!!

As I sit here writing this, I just moved to a new city, in a new state, and I’m worried about money.  I’m looking for a job, trying to change directions in my career.  I’m getting divorced.  I’m learning things about myself that I haven’t been willing to look at before.  It can get ugly!  I’m stumbling…stress eating…feeling insecure.  But I’m also remembering how those darkest days were what made me turn my face to the light…and now how I praise that period of my life as the catalyst for so much positive change.  I know that these challenges I face now, are the forerunners of becoming prouder of, and more in love with, myself.

My definition of spiritual growth is getting closer to my own true self – the unconditional love at the core of who I am. This love helps me make decisions, helps guide me to the right relationships, shows me my purpose, and makes me feel fulfilled.  This is the gift in the garbage.  This is why growth, and therefore challenge, is so important.

My message is this:  Every one of us is good, valuable, and worthy of our own greatest potential.  You are worthy of the love that you already are!!  Embrace your challenges and the growth that is coming…you are SO worth it!

Intention: Releasing Limitations

A theme that keeps coming up this week is letting go of limitations and really calling in creativity, expansion, and empowerment.

Limitations can be tied to repeating patterns that I’ve created in the past, they can be tied to conditioning from my parents or society, and they can be tied to a definition of myself that I’ve created and clung to. Personally, I realize I’ve created limitations around my own health and fitness potential; my own career/purpose and potential for what I can create while also being financially supported; potential for the positive impact I believe I can have on the world; my ability for artistic expression; and the depth in relationships that I can expect to have.  I guess overall it relates to what I think I’m worthy and deserving of, in all areas of life.  

Letting go of these limitations in a way is letting go of an identity.  An old identity based in fear, anxiety, limiting definitions of who I am, and attempts to please others.  But that identity and the underlying belief structure crumbles when I remember who I really am: an infinite thread of the universe; a divine being wearing earth matter and experiencing everything in this life to bring myself closer to unconditional love.  In this moment it becomes clear that the old identity does not fit anymore.  I am free.  I am vast and limitless and undefined.  

In spin class the other day I had a really cool moment of awareness that my mind was the limiting factor on my fitness.  It was really clear.  My body LIKES to be pushed.  Hard.  My body loves when my lungs and legs are on fire.  My mind, on the other hand, started protesting LOUDLY.  And I realized in that moment that my mind had set this limit for most of my adult life, about what levels of fitness I could expect to reach, based on what I had achieved previously.  And not only did this limit include how fit I could be/look from a measurable perspective, such as body composition and definition; but also included my performance during a workout, AND my nutrition/diet habits!  I almost laughed out loud! Some ancient part of my mind is so concerned with survival and protection that it will try to “protect” me from my highest goals.  And so trainable, I think, that anything outside of these boundaries of what I’ve always done, causes alarm.  So I thank you, Mind, for your concern and for trying to protect me.  It’s almost like talking to my mom, lol.  I appreciate the concern and I love you too.  I know you just want what’s best for me.  And the awareness of what was really going on helped me just smile and push through. I can move forward and apply this idea to all areas of my life, knowing that these limits are really just what I trained my mind to expect.  And my mind may squawk at first but it can be re-trained.  

I’m finally ready to let these limitations go.  I’m ready to really surprise myself, to expect amazing results, to know that I’m limitless and deserving of my HIGHEST dreams and desires.  I’m ready for health and wellness beyond my dreams, love and connection beyond measure, my life purpose to fulfill, sustain and excite me, and creativity and self expression to color and shape my life with joy and passion.  I’m ready to travel the world and serve others to the greatest good of the planet and all beings.  I’m ready to open my curious mind to the mysteries of the universe and fully participate in life with every breath, thought, touch and laugh.  I’m ready to let my unique light shine with the quiet confidence of knowing my authentic self and knowing that I’m making a positive difference in the world just by being me.  


We are all so much greater than what we’ve always told ourselves.  


With so much love,